what a week

 

my sinuses are exploding and there is no medicine strong enough to kill this pain. on the upside, I feel 1000 times better on the inside today. I finally said what needed to be said (granted, I had to do it in a facebook message since he won’t talk to me face to face) and now I feel like I can move on. while I hope that someday we will be friends again I’m not holding my breath. I’m also not holding my breath for the day he comes to pick his stuff up. I’ve tried to work around his schedule and now I’m done. he will have to work around mine. it’s about time. even though I still have no urge to go out I feel good. I’m just too tired after work right now. my schedule hasn’t fallen into a rhythm yet (it will after next week thank goodness!) and it’s getting hard on me to keep bouncing between shifts. I’m too old for rotating shifts, I need stability and Im so excited to have the night audit position so I can have the steady schedule I want.

alright, off to be somewhat productive. I have a book to read and all! night ya’ll!

to whom it may concern:

 

to whom it may concern:

I don’t ask for much out of life. I understand that I expect more out of people b/c I would do the same for them. I do expect people to be truthful and honest and upfront w/me. I don’t expect to find my soul mate by any means, but someone I enjoy spending time w/and who enjoys spending time w/me would be nice. I understand it might not happen right away and I understand there might not be any fireworks. that’s not what I’m asking for or looking for. I just want that safe feeling back again. I want to wake up in arms I know won’t drop me when I start to fall. I’ve spent half my life dating and I’m tired of it. for once I want a man around who wants to spend as much time with me as I want to spend with him.  I need to understand that I can’t make everyone happy. I need to make myself happy first and although it’s getting better it is a huge task these days. a task that I need to do by myself. as much as I love my friends and family, this one I have to do alone. I need to wallow in my grief. I’m mourning the loss of a friendship and that is probably the worst pain of all. eventually I will start to cheer up. I will want to put on makeup and nice clothes and go out and see people, but for now my idea of going out is to go to aimee’s to babysit. I’m okay with that. everything else just doesn’t seem important right now. right now I want to spend some time alone reading, writing, working on my projects and catching up on my movie watching. my “polka dotted narwhale” (lol, sorry cuz had to say it) will show up one day. hopefully by then I will have come out of my hermit stage. until then friends, I’m sure you will be hearing more from me here. I need a place to vent and this is it. so I apologize in advance if this blog gets negative for awhile, but until I work out some of this anger there is no way for me to ever feel better. good night friends. it’s time for me to sleep.

it’s all about me now

 

for too long have I tried to accommodate. it is now all about me. no longer will it be about when he has time to come by, but when he decides he is grown up, he will have to find a time that is convenient for me and one in which I will be home. and he will have to talk directly to me and stop this bullshit of trying to talk to me through my roommate. quickest way to piss me off is to be a coward. and now that I am pissed it is time to move on and tell others to fuck off when I normally wouldn’t. it will be good for me to look out for me and my wants instead of the needs and wants of others. right now, it is maddie time and I plan on enjoying every minute of it.

I just need to be a little sad

 

I was talking to my best friend online and once again we started talking about m and I think he finally understands that I just need to be a little sad for awhile. I’m not mad, I’m just in mourning over the loss of a friendship and I think I’m going to be for awhile. not much I can do about it except take it one day at a time and try not to drive my friends nuts talking about it. it’s just all the little things I miss. going out to try new places to eat together, talking to him, and laying around watching movies w/him that I would never have watched otherwise. he was the only guy I’ve ever had around that didn’t want to change me in some way. I will greatly miss that about him and hope that one day we will be able to get back to being good friends. it is my hope and wish for m and i. I also hope and pray that he is safe and happy. at the end of the day that is all I’ve ever wanted for him. I just hope that he will come around to talk eventually so that my last memory of him won’t be what it currently is. until then dear blog readers, just know that I am on the path to becoming whole again and I really do have m to thank for that. he may have been  the reason my meltdown happened the week of my uncle’s funeral, but it really was just a matter of time before it happened. b/c of m, I realized my life needed to change and it is changing. I have time for family and friends now that I haven’t seen in too long. I have time to read all the books that are collecting dust in my room and I have time to sleep if I so chose to. this will be good for me. it has been good for me and I’m on my way to being happier than I have been in a long time.

busy busy days

 

so, it seems now that I only have one job I am busier than when I had two jobs. I’m not complaining. it’s a good busy. I’m picking up an extra shift at the hotel tomorrow, but before that I need to go get some pants altered, buy some new pants and donate plasma. hopefully I can get up early enough to get all this done and still be able to get ready for work and be there on time.

then on saturday I need to be in lawrence at 10a.m. so I can hang out w/my friends until 2 and then be at work by 3p.m. and then sunday morning I’m at work from 7-3 and then off to aimee’s w/wine to help her clean the house and hang out. I’m also babysitting on wednesdays now which is a new experience since I have hardly ever babysat before. it’s good for me though. gives me something to do and helps aimee out all at the same time. chris has been helping me out w/the babysitting too. it helps me to have another adult around to talk to and help keep the kids entertained while I make them supper.

with all this new not bar related activity in my life I have even had time to get some reading done and spend some down time by myself. I must say I am quite enjoying it. it’s been a bad month and being busy like this has really helped. while I miss all the people at the bar, everyday I realize that I did make the right decision for me. my stress level has dropped dramatically and I honestly haven’t even had the urge to go out and spend all of my money. I feel like I’m growing as a person and as scary as it is, it is good for me. don’t get me wrong, I’m still a little lonely, but at this point I’m willing to sit back and take the time that I need to in order to get all the pieces of my life back into place. until then it looks like busy busy days ahead for me!

it’s moments like these

it’s moments like these when the loneliness sets in. the rest of the day i’m fine. i’m actually doing much better now that i only have one job to deal with. i’ve donated plasma for the first time and am going back on tuesday to donate again. while it isn’t my preferred method of making extra money, it does help out for the time being until i get some bills paid off. i have more time off and am able to do the things i want like help my friend aimee by babysitting for her on wednesday nights. the problem is at 2 in the morning i’m not always able to keep loneliness away. it also doesn’t help that valentine’s day is coming soon and it is a dreadful holiday which only makes those of us unlucky in love feel worse about ourselves. chances are i will work and then get blindly drunk in order to stave off the inevitable depression that will come from seeing too many stupidly happy couples. it also doesn’t help to hear all the damn love songs, watch the damn movies (b/c everyone of them have someone falling in love) and hear the radio ads for all the cool things you can buy someone to prove your love. maybe i’m just jaded, but i don’t want someone to feel obligated to show their love to me once a year, i want them to want to prove their love to me everyday we are together. love is in the little things. the moments that mean nothing to anyone but you.  so, to you valentine’s day i say “bugger off”. i don’t need you and i sure don’t want you. b/c when i find someone worth my love he will be the kind of man who won’t have to buy my love. he will be the kind of man who earns it through his actions.

things have got to change

 

things are going to change is what I should say. I am going to date around and see what my options are. I am going to have a life outside of the bar scene. I am going to be social for the first time in years. yes, I have always been a social person, but I have always worked in bars and had to be social. now I am going to be social b/c I want to be. I am going to learn how to date. getting a guy to go home w/you isn’t hard, but getting one who wants to hang around for awhile and get to know you isn’t. I’m not looking for the one. I’m just looking for someone who wants to go out and try new restaurants, lay around the house on a lazy sunday and watch movies and one who genuinely enjoys my company. while he may not come around any time soon I feel like at 27 I need to learn how to just date and have fun. I’ve never done that before and think it will be good for me. that said, now I am going to spend my sunday night folding laundry, cracking open one of m’s beers he left at my house and chilling out for the night. night all!

being home is good for the soul

 

coming home for these last couple of days and spending time w/my family has been really good for me. I’ve realized a couple of things.

1. I want to quit the bar. I need to. it’s time. this thing w/m has just made me realize I have been putting it off and the longer I wait the harder it is going to be for everyone. I want to be able to come home if I need to or I want to.

2. I need some me time. I’ve been working 2 jobs for so long that I don’t remember the last time I spent some time just for myself. I need that and I don’t need 2 jobs anymore so why keep putting this off?

all in all I think coming home has been the best thing I could do for myself. yes, I want to work things out w/m, but I don’t know that that is possible and even if it isn’t I want us to still be able to talk. I miss talking to him more than anything. hopefully we will be able to be friends when this is all said and done. sigh….just too many things to think about after a night out w/my hometown friends. guess I will have to give some more time.

what a week

 

so…I was sick all weekend and still don’t feel good, my great uncle passed away and one of my best friends has apparently cut me out of his life w/nothing to go on but a text. to top it off, I’m not sure when the last time I ate was. I desperately need to get out of town for a couple of days and relax. I’m hoping to get my shift at the hotel covered so I can call into the bar and go to my uncle’s funeral in wichita on thursday. spending a night or two back home will do me tons of good. just not being home thinking about how m apparently hates me will do me some good. it’s just hard not being able to talk to one of my best friends b/c I’m trying to give him some space so hopefully we can talk later this week and figure out what the hell he was talking about. I just know I miss him tons and it physically hurts to not talk to him. I’ve spent a lot of time these last couple of days texting other friends in an effort to keep my mind off m and in general it has been working. hopefully by the end of the week we can talk. have I mentioned I’m upset about this? just checking.

alright, I’m off to try and find something that sounds good to eat. hopefully something will appeal to me. night all!