jack

 

when he looked at me I always felt safe. never once did I feel insecure or like I needed to change something about myself. he was my best friend and we were inseperable. we would spend our days watching terrible kung fu movies or trying out any new little burger joint or restaurant we could find. our time together could be spent in silence or staying up til the sun rose just talking. there had never been a man like him in my life before, and I never dreamed of a day when he wouldn’t be a part of my life. in fact, rarely a day passed that we didn’t talk to each other so you can imagine my utter devastation the day that he disappeared from my world.

the terrible phone call came while I was at work. as I leaned against my car for support, I tried to let the news sink in. those words I heard that day would forever alter my world.

the past months have been more painful for me than anything else I have ever endured. the loss of a friend is one of the worst. I think now of all the great times we spent together. knowing I can’t just pick up the phone and hear his voice still brings tears to my eyes. I can’t even count how many times I have started to send him a message before I realized how idiotic I was being.

I don’t get out much anymore. I just don’t want to right now. he was the only man I had ever felt completely like myself around. there will never be another like him, I fear.

there are no words to describe my loss. I just wish my friends could understand that I just need to be sad for awhile? is that so terrible?

 

I pray for you everyday my friend. I pray that you are happy and safe. I can’t wait until I see you again. xoxo

sorry

 

I don’t know what I did

to drive you far away.

I don’t know what to do

to make you want to stay.

 

I’m sorry beyond reason

and you’ll never comprehend

how each and every season

without you is just bland.

 

I don’t know what I did

to make you go away

and I don’t know what to do

to make you want to stay.

Kansas love

 

she sits under her tree, the big oak in the middle of the field, and watches the butterflies float around her. her mind drifts to a time, not too long ago, when she had been happy…

walking, holding hands and laughing at each other, the couple walks down the street during the small county fair. the smell of popcorn and funnel cakes plays with their noses as children and teenagers run past them. everything had been perfect all night long. even the carnival folk she had always feared seemed less scary tonight. it had been six months since they had last seen each other and in only three short weeks he would be gone again. off to school and a life a thousand miles away from her, from them…

 

they had always know they were meant for each other, so when he had decided to go to college on the east coast, she had been supportive. as time wore on though, the distance had taken its toll on her. her eyes, once as blue as the summer sky, seemed duller, older and worn while he was away. her playful manner was still there, but now it was hidden under blankets of sadness.

 

since he had come home she had felt herself come back to life. he knew how lonely she was without him because it was terribly lonely for him without her. he wished there was a way to convince her to move back east with him until he finished school, but he knew that even though she missed him that to leave her family that far away would hurt her more. one idea had been floating through his mind for some time now, but fear of what her reaction would be kept him from asking. maybe when he came home for Christmas…

 

she sat under her big oak tree and thought of him. something had been on his mind when he had been home. he wouldn’t tell her what it was and for the first time she had began to wonder…

 

the months dragged on. October to November and finally December! she had been counting the days until his Christmas break for months now. she realized all too well how silly she must seem to everyone else. counting down days on a calendar is what small children do in anticipation of Christmas morning, but she was in love and sometimes being in love meant being silly once in a while.

when he stepped off the plane, their eyes met and tears of joy ran down her face. he was so handsome and she loved him more than he would ever know. he ran to her and as he took her in his arms and kissed her; he knew.

on the ride home they talked of all the things he had missed. his sisters had gone to her first high school dance and her brother had scored the winning point at last weeks basketball game. while she talked, he looked at her and wished he had been at home with her to see all the things she was telling him about.

when they finally arrived at his parent’s house, re realized just how much he had missed small town life. after settling in, he called her father, it was time to discuss the future.

at dinner that night both families sat around a table filled with enough food to feed a small country. right before desert, he excused himself and went into the kitchen to help his mother. he had asked his mother to make blueberry pie. it was her favorite. he took a piece and on top of it placed the ring.

she was the last to receive her pie and when he placed it in front of her he fell to his knees. taking her beautiful, dainty hands in his he asked her the four most precious words she had ever heard.

“will you marry me?”

she spoke no words, but her eyes revealed her answer better than any words could. as they embraced each other, their families smiled upon them.

they spent the remainder of his break having snowball fights and cozy evenings by the fire. January came too quickly for her, but she realized now that since she would be planning a wedding she would have something to focus on and help her forget her loneliness.

when the time came for him to return to school, she cried for hours. the six short months until their wedding loomed before her like eons. she was hesitant to leave her family, but he had promised that after he finished school they would move back to Kansas and settle down.

the new few months flew by as preparations for the wedding consumed her. she couldn’t believe how much there was to do! he has chosen his groomsmen before he had left, but she had spent two weeks in agony over who to pick. finally the wedding party was chosen. they wanted a simple, outside wedding in the field under her oak tree. she had always wanted to get married under the tree which she had spent so much of her childhood playing under.

as he stepped off the plane with his two college friends she ran toward him, her honey blonde hair flying behind her. she was earing a pair of old faded blue jeans and an old button up shirt of his. neither of his friends had ever seen a more beautiful woman.

the day finally came and everything was simply perfect. her simple white dress played gracefully around her tiny, beautiful bare feet. he stood across from her, he Adonis in a white dress shirt and a pair of pressed blue jeans. it was the wedding they had always dreamed of. so there, in front of their family and friends, underneath her favorite oak tree, they were finally married. neither of them had ever been happier.

after he finished college they moved back to their small Kansas town. back to their family and friends and the simple life they both yearned for. not much more to be said of their simple life, but extraordinary love. three children, a growing family business, loving family, loyal friends and a fulfilling church life gave their life a fairy tale quality. even to the end their eyes never left each other. today, if you walk through a Kansas field, you may find an old oak tree with a gravestone under it that simple says;

“together we lived. together we died. now forever, side by side.”

my dear old friend

 

I look at you, my dear old friend

and realize now, it is the end.

 

I knew that it would happen

I knew that you would leave.

I tried to run away from it

I did not want to believe.

 

but now I’ve finally lost you

and my world came crashing down

nothing seems quite right though

because you’re not around.

 

I should have said I love you

I should have pulled you near

but instead I ran away from you

my heart was filled with fear.

 

and now that I have lost you

I don’t know what to do

but sit here all alone

I’m thinking about you.

my childhood imagination

 

by day

unicorns prance,

elves play,

and nymphs sing

while mermaids listen.

a castle appears

standing proudly like a king.

but no royalty lives here,

only unicorn

with gold and silver

wing and horn.

 

as night descends

the land is covered

with a black silk blanket

that makes

nymphs sing their final song

and urchins close their eyes,

sorrowful that the day has ended.

 

the seasons change

a pure white blanket

covers the land

and snowflakes play

on pegasus’ nose

jack frost will rear his head

until spring appears

in her long flowing gown.

alone

 

I’m standing here all alone

doesn’t anyone care atll?

it doesn’t really matter

I’ve always been the oddball.

 

I’m standing here all alone

about to take the fall

as I turn and take my last look

at the growing nightfall.

 

I’m standing here all alone

I hear the sirens clear

right now’s my last chance

and now I disappear.

what do you see?

 

what do you see,

when you look at me?

do you see me?

or who I pretend to be?

the outgoing girl,

without a care in the world?

or maybe the artist and poet

who dreams to be

more than this town will ever see.

do you see the romantic,

in my cool blue eyes?

or the shy little girl,

hidden deep down inside?

when you look at me,

what do you see?

do you see me?

or who I pretend to be?

I guess I’m just not ready

 

I went to the bar tonight for aimee’s birthday. I didn’t last long. I thought I would be okay w/being in there, but I was wrong. I lasted about 45 minutes. when I walked the only thing I could think about was my best friend walking out on me w/o seeming to care at all. I was able to get up to his bar to order a shot for aimee for her birthday, but after that I realized I needed to leave. I felt terrible leaving on aimee’s birthday but I know she understands. that’s what I love about her. I just hope that soon m and I will be able to sit down by ourselves and talk w/no alcohol involved.I would love nothing more than to have my best friend back. I miss him quite a bit.

 

I did get to go see jeff dunham tonight. it was awesome! I’m so glad I went w/adam, seth and mark. it was good for me to get out for a little bit. unfortunately I still don’t have much urge to go out and be too terribly social. I think I am going to stop by aimee’s tomorrow or monday for a little bit before work, but these days I’m perfectly content to sit at home and watch movies and/or read. while I know this is just a phase and soon I will want to go out again for right now I really am enjoying relaxing and not doing much of anything.